Sunday, 20 June 2010

The closest shave.

I’m sitting in my room comfort eating because I’ve just had another shit haircut. Granted the only thing in the house to comfort eat is around six rich tea biscuits, but I’ve vowed not to leave my room until my hair gets back to its original wholesomeness. I’m fed up of shit haircuts, I’ve had mostly shit haircuts and it’s against my best intentions.. As I sat in the chair I thought I said that I wanted something fashionable with length but I must’ve said that I wanted something prisoner of war inspired, or at least short enough to make me look terminally ill. As it goes he went further and now I can almost see my brain through it, my head looks the surface of the moon and if I touch the top of it my leg spasms.

It’s winter, I’d have to be an idiot to want hair this short, I think I’m halfway to losing one of my ears through frost bite and all because he got a little over zealous with his scissoring, I told him to stop, I’d told him he’d gone to far and I wasn’t up for more, but he kept saying he was just straightening it up, then taking off inch after inch. I had to purposely rebut his attempts to strike up conversation just in case he got distracted and lopped off an ear.

Half way through and I’d given up protesting, I’m not sure if I’d slighted this guy once before and now he was getting some sort of vengeance but for some reason he really had it in for me. It was getting shorter and I was struggling to see how he was still managing to find hair that could be cut. Things really took a turn for the worse when upon finishing my sideburns he started to shave my face!

Who the fuck shaves someone’s face, I don’t have an unusually hairy face, hair is very much restricted to the beard area and nowhere else. What am I supposed to do now that my face has been shaved, it’s obviously going to grow back thicker, and darker..this guy has just condemned me to being a wolf-man. I was thinking of sticking my head in a Gro-bag to get some length back but it’s only going to accelerate my transformation into a lycen. Actually forget that, being a werewolf might not even be that bad, Teenwolf got the hottest girl in the school - he could dunk..I’m just going to be some hairy bloke who’ll have to work in a kebaby.

“I’ve put some talcum powder on your neck to stop a rash from coming up,” he says.

What I wanted to say that he wouldn’t have to worry about it if he hadn’t just removed the first four layers of skin, what I needed now was some antiseptic and a tetanus shot.

All I actually said was thanks.

I still don’t know why that is, when I sit in that chair I become paralysed, I think after watching Sweeny Todd I’m just happy to get up out of the chair at the end, regardless of the hair.

“Do you want me to put some wax in it?”

Wax in it? Wax in what, there’s nothing there to put wax into, you could use up more wax putting it in my eye brows! Maybe you could rub some wax into the bald stump that is my head to give it some shine, yeah go on, do that with your wax.

“Yeah if you could mate,was all I actually said.

Next time he should forget the scissors and just use sandpaper, that way I wouldn’t be under any illusion to what was going to happen. I’ve got a hair-wound not a hair-cut. At the end I contemplated collecting up the hair and PVAing it back on to my head.

Will I be seeing this guy again? I see him every six weeks when I get my haircut, he’s never busy and I can never seem to protest when he ushers me into his chair.

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